A Night At The Auction
The Marx Brothers had 'em rolling in the aisles with their 1935 blockbuster, A Night At The Opera.
66 years later I've managed to top their wackiness with a night at the auction.
A number of years ago, I attended a charity auction for an organization called Dreams Take Flight.
Not being all that familiar with auctions, I found that after waving hello to a friend across the room, I'd established myself as the winning bidder on items such as a $2000 electric dog polisher or a $1500 fur sink.
As the years passed and I'd managed to re-gift such items to folks I wasn't particularly fond of, the concept of a Silent Auction took hold.
It seemed simple enough.
You'd enter a room that looked like a trade show for department store buyers and write your bid down on a slip of paper that was taped to the item in question.
Minutes before the bids were set to close, you'd sprint around the room to ensure you'd bid high enough on coveted items such as the soup barbecue.
And at the end of the night, you'd roll home with a treasure chest full of goodies that any reasonable person would perhaps someday find a use for.
All for a good cause.
Fast forward to 2011 where advances in technology have made their way to the auction floor.
It's still called a silent auction but in truth it's more like an ongoing e-bay type process that builds to a frenzy on the actual night of the event.
In a nutshell, items are displayed on a web-site with access granted to registrants by means of a smart-phone.
Bidding starts a month or so before the actual event and as more and more items are added, more and more bids can be logged.
I've now discovered that giving me control of a smart phone is a lot like putting Stevie Wonder behind the wheel of a Smart Car.
The unit may be smart as hell but at the end of the road looms disaster.
Just after midnight, we rolled out of the event laden with enough merchandise that were we to be boarding a flight, we'd have been charged for excess luggage.
The fact I'd decided to take the sports car with 19 cubic inches of trunk space to the event didn't help matters much.
My lovely bride's expertise garnered from years of attending DIOR's "as many shoes as you can pack into your purse for 1 low price" certainly saved the day.
And as we arrived home and began uncrating the newfound treasures, the full magnitude of what we acquired unfolded in all its splendor.
The first item was a canister of Zen green tea which on the side read: "A delicately balanced blend of green tea, spearmint, lemon verbena and lemongrass frequently enjoyed before sessions of yoga, Pilates or yak herding."
The 2nd can of Herbal Infusion Tea had the inscription, " did you know - bricks of tea were once used as currency in Tibet. This practice fell out of favour as it was often quite difficult to make change."
All well and fine other than I'm a coffee fanatic and had no idea I'd even bid on this product - kind of like a Great Dane owner picking up cat toys.
The next ditty really threw me for a loop.
A 6 inch high statue of the 60's era action hero, Batgirl.
Now I've never seen an actual picture of a badly botoxed reject from an anger management session, but were I to have - this would be it.
I tossed it at one of the dogs as a chew toy and the terrified beast hasn't come out from under the bed for a week now.
Of course there were also some fairly goofy items tucked away.
One gem however stood out like a diamond in a cow patty.
It seems I'd been the successful bidder on a 'commercial style 58mm convex end tamper with acrylic accents in an 18/10 stainless steel body. Dishwasher safe'.
I was stumped.
It had the overall appearance of a cold war era government stamping device that officials would use on everything from passports to auction admission documents.
Looking it up at 2 am on Mr. Google's dictionary, I find that I'm now the proud owner of a device that's used by professional chefs and baristas to create the perfect coffee puck.
Calling on Mr Google one more time, I discover that a coffee puck is if you will, the Zen of espresso creators in their quest to brew the perfect cup.
Of course it helps if you also have the $2500 Espresso machine to go along with the tamper.
Which as I scoured through the rest of the box I discovered - I did not.
It is however nifty enough I'm thinking of using it as a door knocker.
I can hardly wait until next year.
I'm told that some of the items up for bid will be the actual instruction booklets for the items that flew out the door this year.
Adios until next time
Dave Heron
*on a serious note*
Anyone who knows me will agree that technology is best kept out of my grasp, and that the story is more or less a true re-enactment of what happens when I'm given free reign of electronic hand held devices.
That said, Dreams Take Flight is one of the most remarkable charitable foundations in the country and over the past 20 years has sent thousands of very special needs children to Disneyland for a day.
For 15 of those years I'm very proud to have been associated with these outstanding folks and will if necessary, buy a larger house to store what I anticipate will be more goofy auction items in the years to come.
Dave Heron is the owner and operator of: Pace Setter Travel & Tours (1995) Inc;
P.O. Box 612, 49 Elizabeth Street, Okotoks.
Tel: 403.938.5454
Toll Free: 1.800.206.7223.
Fax: 403.938.5568
Email: pacesetter@nucleus.com
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