No question - given the choice, a Business or First Class seat trumps an Economy Class seat every time. The ability to get in and out of the thing without the use of coconut oil and a shoe horn speaks volumes as to the benefits. And when the gods of reward points smile upon me with an upgrade opportunity, it's a happy day.
Let me digress for a minute with a bit of background information.
My brother Mike is one of those semi gifted people when it comes to technological gadgets. In the early 90's he developed a search engine for mere mortals looking for jokes and related gags.
Unfortunately, he called it Giggle, and as the name wasn't taken seriously, it went nowhere.
I on the other hand am considered a tad challenged when it comes to tech gizmos. The only reason I upgraded from VCR to DVD was due to not being able to stop the damn thing blinking 12:00 after 6 years.
I now have 4 remotes and still wind up getting out of the chair to hit the button on the big screen, and only manage to switch away from the Discovery Channel when my wife enters the room and I suggest she switch to something she wants to see.
We recently had the opportunity to upgrade to the "lie flat" comfort of Business Class on a 9 hour overnight flight. Having tolerated more than my fair share of overnight flights where the fully reclined economy seat immediately in front of me served as a personal chin rest for 8 of those hours because mine wouldn't recline, I graciously accepted.
Entering the coveted cabin and settling into 3A, I have to say I was overwhelmed by the amount of legroom. About 80 inches, which if boredom were to set in would easily allow me to play tennis against the seat ahead.
Looking around at the various amenities I spot what looks suspiciously like a remote control.
Actually, it's a multi task type instrument which in addition to allowing me to order duty free and watch 90 channels of video, enables me seemingly to phone someone else on board the aircraft as long as I have their seat number.
Looking back into steerage, I mentally file away row 62C in case I want to ring him later in the flight and ask how HIS medium rare Chateaubriand was.
With dinner service concluded, my charming bride in 3B gets her seat into the lie flat position and within minutes is borderline comatose.
Seems like a good idea and I fiddle with what I think should be the seat recline mechanism.
Other than my reading light flashing on and off - nothing happens.
Must be the other button.
The light stays off but within seconds a flight attendant is beside me asking if she can be of assistance.
I indicate I'm just trying to recline the seat at which point she hands me.......... THE REMOTE.
"Everything you need is controlled with this," she tells me and walks away.
How complicated can it be?
Hitting the 1st down arrow changes the audio from Bach to The Repulsive Warthog Fingers Live in Somalia and as I can't figure out how to get back to Bach, I yank the headphones and stuff them under a blanket.
The cabin lights have of course by now been dimmed and at the risk of hitting the call button again, I hold the remote toward the window where the odd strobe flash from the wingtip gives me a sense of how the remote's set up.
There's a button with what looks to be a diagram of a seat with a series of up, down, sideways and circular buttons beside it and even I can grasp that this is the one.
The instant I pressed down, I just knew I should have read the manual.
In a series of slow motion hydraulically activated shifts, 3A starts to transform itself into positions the human body was never designed to accommodate. I couldn't shake the image of Robert Downey Jr. in the film Ironman2 as this contraption began to morph into something other than a seat. As the movement stopped, I found myself in a prone position with my head some 10 inches lower than my feet and about six dollars in loose change from my pocket rolling down the aisle toward economy class.
Oops Maybe a little less action on the up arrow will correct things.
The feet lower, the head raises, and as this contraption also incorporates some type of ergonomic lumbar feature, the knees come up and by the time I'm done I resemble an accident victim.
I'm not brave enough to awaken my wife although the thought of phoning back to 62C crosses my mind.
Back to the gadget.
If I equalize the amount of pressure on the up button with that of the down button, I calculate it should go flat.
My feet and head are now level with each other - unfortunately my midsection is still up where my chest once was. The next maneuver brings both the head and feet up slightly, lowers the groin, and when it stops I look like the letter U.
It's time to seek assistance from my lovely bride. Problem is - I can't reach over far enough to tap her on the shoulder.
One more button.
Feet come way up, head goes way down, and I'm now laying flat albeit at a 150 degree head down incline. I'll live with it.
I know that about 40 minutes before landing the cabin crew will come over and request that all seats be returned to the upright position at which point my wife will awaken and prevent her idiot husband from creating any additional havoc. I will however look a little more closely at the seating options on future flights. If it looks like there's 80 inches of legroom, I think I'll use the additional Business Class carry on allowance and bring along my own fold up 72 inch long camp cot.
That way I can sit when sitting's called for and when the lights go out, I can stretch out with a good book and leave the damn remote as far away from temptation as possible.
Adios until next time
Dave Heron
Dave Heron is the owner and operator of: Pace Setter Travel & Tours (1995) Inc; P.O. Box 612, 49 Elizabeth Street, Okotoks.
Tel: 403.938.5454
Toll Free: 1.800.206.7223.
Fax: 403.938.5568
Email: pacesetter@nucleus.com
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