Travel Tracks by Dave Heron ~ *Easy On The Bourbon*

Airlines stopped serving copious amounts of booze to passengers years ago.
Around the same time that passengers, in a sober state, started noticing a variety of shortcomings in the area of in- flight customer service and thus began the era of air rage.
Coincidence?
I think not.
On another front, if we could get them to stop handing out Jack Daniels in the executive lunch room of American Airlines, we might be writing a different type of article.
Stay with me on this one folks because it gets a tad complicated.
With the cost of fuel representing close to half of the average airline's operating cost, the more fuel an aircraft sucks on a given flight, the less profit that particular flight earns.
The most effective measure against losing money as a result of excess fuel burn, is to – ready for this one…………. burn less fuel.
Problem solved?
Not quite.
Burning less fuel while remaining on a predetermined flight course, is complex at best but rather than spending the next few hours going through complex computations and explanations, suffice it to say that the less an aircraft weighs while plowing through the atmosphere, the amount of fuel required to complete the journey will lessen.
Airlines across the planet determined years ago that they therefore had to lessen the weight carried on board their silver birds in order to make this happen.
The motion to sell tickets only to members of Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig failed to pass not only due to it being contrary to Article 5 of some constitutional amendment somewhere, but also because Fred in Catering pointed out that this particular target market was unlikely to add additional revenue on board through their purchase of the crap the airlines had contracted out with some feedlot to sell on board as meals.
And so after much frick and fro in the hallowed halls of executive wisdom, it was decided to reduce the amount of luggage passengers were entitled to check in at no cost.
The end result of course was passengers would either restrict themselves to 1 bag weighing 50 lb, or pay a surcharge for the 2nd bag.
Passengers didn't necessarily carry fewer bags, but the additional revenue more than paid for the next 12 hikes in fuel prices handed out by OPEC.
And so was introduced the charge for the 1st bag.
“If you can't beat 'em – Screw 'em”, airline VP's universally decreed.
Airlines were now reeling in the surplus revenues to the point that board meetings were outright giddy affairs and that's before someone opened the bottle of celebratory Kickapoo Joy Juice.
At one point last week a passenger called our office to inquire about the carry- on baggage weight restriction for their upcoming flight on American Airlines.
They were bound and determined to not have to pay checked luggage fees.
As well, out of spite they were bringing their own meal on board.
In checking the American web-site, the only published restriction was a dimensional one – it either had to fit in the overhead bin or under the seat.
Or in the case of a tuba, you could purchase an extra seat although with everyone occupying a seat requiring a passport, I suspect there may be some issues there.
Calling American as we did, we were informed, “as long as it fits under the seat in front or in the overhead bin, there's no weight limit”.
Hmm…….
American Airlines operates an MD-80 aircraft on flights from Calgary to Dallas.
The MD-80 carries 136 passengers.
The average passenger weighs 160 lb so there's close to 22,000 lb.
The aircraft itself weighs roughly 78,000 lb.
Some 5000 gallons of fuel at an approx weight of 6 lbs per gallon will be uploaded for the flight to Dallas.
We now have approximately 130,000 lbs of product sitting at the gate.
That's before luggage, food and beverage items, cargo and 7 additional crew members are added.
Did I mention that the maximum takeoff weight of the MD-80 under ideal circumstances is 140,000 lbs?
And now we have the potential for each of the 136 passengers to bring a 50 lb carry- on bag into the cabin.
That's another 7000 lb that, by the way, doesn't get weighed at time of check in.
“Ah Calgary Tower – American 641 departing 16L”
“Copy that 641 – report clear 5000”
“Ah Calgary Tower – clear the Deerfoot – we need some extra runway use – we seem to be a tad heavy”.
Not that this is the nuttiest idea to come out of the executive offices – far from it.
I just can't fathom that they'd allow the carry-ons to be loaded aboard for free.
That's giving up $25 a whack, or $3400 per flight.
And $3400 would buy a reasonable amount of bourbon to be passed around at the next board meeting to help in solving the next problem.

Adios until next time

Dave Heron


Dave Heron is the owner and operator of: Pace Setter Travel & Tours (1995) Inc; P.O. Box 612, 70 McRae Street, Okotoks.
Tel: 403.938.5454
Toll Free: 1.800.206.7223.
Fax: 403.938.5568
Email: pacesetter@nucleus.com